Whose bright idea was it to invent the thong? Of course, I’m going to have to google this, but even before I go anywhere near a computer, I can bet that it was a man. I am sure of this. No woman in her right mind would have ever thought of creating something so ridiculous.
But to be fair (and historically accurate) the history of the thong goes way back. The thong is a descendant (if clothing items can be called this) of the loincloth. According to Wikipedia, the  loincloth,
“is believed to be one of the earliest forms of human clothing, and is also thought to have been worn mostly or exclusively by men. It is thought the thong was probably originally developed to protect, support, or hide the male genitals, possibly as a way to remove the distraction of the genitals for both wearer and observer.”
Yes, I can understand how the sight of male genitals swinging alfresco would’ve been distracting for our cave women ancestors who were  trying to finish up the laundry down by the river. Or, imagine the hunter trying to catch the evening meal with all of his “stuff” just hanging out. He wouldn’t have wanted anything to get in his way or, and more importantly, to have his javelin pierce anything other than the intended prey.
Alright, so how can something that was originally created for men end up in the wardrobes of today’s women?

Let’s start with the thong as underwear. It is believed that this use for a thong was born out of New York Mayor LaGuardia’s order that the city’s nude dancers cover themselves during the 1939 World’s Fair. Some “cover-up.” However, it was not until the 1980’s, when underwear manufacturers started focusing more on sex appeal rather than comfort, that the thong gained popularity among women. Yes, we women will do anything (including torturing our private parts) to look sexy. I get it. A thong (when worn under tight-fitting pants) allows for a nice, smoothly-round-looking derriere, but is this look really worth it?

No! First of all, on the rare occasion that I have donned this “dental floss” type underwear, I have found myself wondering if it’s going to ride up all the way to my G-spot, and not in a pleasurable way. I don’t know about you, but I think that particular spot is meant to be touched by something entirely different. Furthermore, how can something that is made of about 10% of the required material needed to make a panty catch the daily secretions that emanate from the orifices of the lower body? (As you can see, I’m trying to remain professional here).

Now, turning to the thong as swimsuit. I can only say that this seems like an even more unbelievable adaptation of the ancient loincloth. Again, we have a man to thank. Rudi Gernreich, the mid-1960s fashion creator of the monokini (the first topless swimsuit), is credited with introducing the modern swim thong in 1974. Why? As far as I’m concerned, the only cheeks that should be visible on a public beach are those on our faces.

Look, you have to work out 25 hours per day and eat like a rabbit (but not procreate like one) to have a thong-worthy butt. And, if you don’t have one, you shouldn’t wear a thong. Period. There’s nothing uglier than dimpled, droopy butt cheeks, except for dimpled, droopy butt cheeks in a thong.

Note: Post originally published on June 15, 2012.